Apathetic Bears - A Guide to Bears, and Their Reasons For Not Caring

In celebration of the release of Brendan Leonard’s “Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems” book trailer, we’d like to give a little primer on the kinds of bears you might meet, and the reasons they just don't care.
Mountaineers Books Mountaineers Books
July 12, 2019
Apathetic Bears - A Guide to Bears, and Their Reasons For Not Caring

Bears. Family:  Ursidae. Order: Carnivora. Mood: Apathetic.

On July 11, author and Semi-Rad creator Brendan Leonard released the trailer for his new book, Bears Don't Care About Your Problems. As with any good trailer, it raised some very big questions, such as: "But why do bears not care?"

 Like any good outdoors people, we attempted to find out, and we offer our findings below.

025426262-bear-alaska.jpegThe North American Grizzly Bear

Why they do not care about your problems: At roughly 600 lbs and featuring what might as well be a complete set of steak knives for claws, the North American Grizzly Bear has no reason to fret over your various dilemmas. Unlike you, the grizzly bear already finds time to live in the present, and presently, it’s busy wrecking some other animal’s day.

012869721-polar-white-bearjpg.jpegThe Arctic Polar Bear

Why they do not care about your problems: Polar bears are not empathetic to your current plight because they have other things on their mind right now, like shrinking ice, what to hunt, and— oh snap, are they really going to try to fight a whale? Yes, polar bears will sometimes go after whales because food is scarce, and also polar bears don’t really care about whether your no-carb, no-protein, no-fat diet is working. (It’s not.)

069731946-giant-panda-bear-ailuropoda-me.jpegSichuan Giant Panda Bear

Why they do not care about your problems: Let’s take a look at the Google Calendar for a Panda bear, shall we? Uh-huh, uh-huh, looks like they are too busy for the next 16 hours due to various prior bamboo eating appointments to be burdened with your issues. Perhaps they can schedule you in for a quick stand-up about your problems with Karen and—ah, you know what? Turns out that’s bamboo eating time. Don’t call them, they’ll call you.

Kayak Bear (credit Mary Maley).jpg

The Kayak Bear

Why he does not care about your problems: The Kayak Bear does not commiserate about your disputes because he cares about only one thing: vengeance. Vengeance against bear sprays. And a hunger for destroying expensive kayaks. And if achieving said vengeance through the destruction of kayaks would strand you on an island, then, my friend, that is your problem—a problem that the Kayak Bear does not care about.

Gummi Bears.jpgGummi Bears

Why they do not care about your problems: Gummi bears, as a non-sentient substance comprised mostly of sugar and food coloring, are technically lacking the glands to produce the necessary hormones to make them feel anguish over your botherations. Unlike your uncle during Thanksgiving dinner, Gummi bears have no strong opinions, not even when vodka is infused to an already tense situation.

Care Bears.jpgCare Bears

Why they do not care about your problems: Care Bears are not disquieted by your quandaries because when a bear has mad scientists and hypo-thermal superweapons to battle, it's not rude at all to not want to comment on your buddy’s Instagram post right this second, okay?

Bobby Bare 500 Miles.jpgThe Ohioan Bobby Bare

Why he does not care about your problems: Actually, you know what? Have you listened to 500 Miles Away From Home? Bobby cares. Bobby knows how you feel.

8545229d-6bf6-4c68-becd-5ad649ca2379.jpegYou can find Bears Don't Care About Your Problems for purchase here. You can find more of Brendan Leonard at www.semi-rad.com. But we wish you good luck finding a bear to care about your problems anywhere.